I have been struggling to find an appropriate gift for you on this very special birthday. With all the things that have been happening in your life lately, it seemed that a practical gift would be most appropriate. My first thought was to call in an exorcist to clean out your house. I don’t know what’s going on out there, but it seems like any creature spending more than a few minutes in that place is struck by something dreadful. And you keep trying to convince us it’s the weather causing all those electrical and Internet blackouts . . . WE AREN’T BUYING IT.
While I do think some kind of intervention is in order, I wasn’t sure it would be the most appropriate birthday present, so I kept looking. That’s when I remembered the talk about the sporty red electric chair. Until all this kneecapping mess gets sorted out, you will need an appropriate conveyance to help you move around both inside and outside of Maven Manor. But “sporty”? I don’t think so. I knew then that I must find a vehicle more befitting your status and style. The challenge was on!
Of course this was the first thing that came to mind. It meets the requirements for grandeur, style and comfort however I just don’t see it navigating the waters of Puget Sound. Then, too, where are you going to house all the minions? But, should you ever decide to visit us here at the Creek, we will make sure our barge is detailed and staffed for your use.
This next little number combines comfort, style and practicality. It will insure that everyone you meet on the road will immediately recognize you and greet you with appropriate deference – normally a hand gesture involving the middle finger. I dare say it will be quite the hit at genealogical conferences too. I found one in a barn in Alabama that was only used to drive to church on Sundays. It’s perfect for you!
That still leaves us with the need for something to get you around the house and gardens . . . Fortunately, the engineers at Moultrie Industries have just completed a prototype for a revolutionary new mobility device and we’re sending it your way. Let me introduce you to the teacup hovercraft!
Don’t let its looks fool you. This is a miracle of technology! Like other hovercraft, this vehicle uses air for propulsion, but it also uses air in place of structure. Invisible bumpers of air protect the chassis from collision damage. Steering can be handled manually using a simple joystick or automatically using sensors in your eyeglasses to follow whatever direction your eyes lead. Because it is a hovercraft, stairs and rough terrain are no problem and the umbrella accessory pops up easily to protect you from the elements. At the end of the day, just park your teacup on its saucer recharge station and it will be ready to go again once your morning toilette is complete.
The interior is quality leather upholstery with adjustable cushions for comfort. The dashboard supports both your iPad and iPhone – keeping them within easy reach at all times. The teacup is small enough to tuck up under a table for meals or magazine layout. It combines comfort, style and practicality in a delightful package. I think you’ll find it is the perfect Maven Mobile.
Now that the gifts are decided, all that’s left is my wish that you have a happy birthday. I miss you bunches and look forward to the day you’re home and healing – and composing a real edition of Shades.
Image Credit: footonoteMaven. “Earth Day – Birthday Graphic.” footnoteMaven, 22 April 2009. www.footnotemaven.com/2009/04/earth-day-birthday.html : 2012.
NOTE: This article is one of several posted to celebrate the birthday of footnoteMaven, editor/publisher of the award-winning Shades of the Departed Online Magazine. The following staff writers have also contributed their articles: